35 Inspirational Steven Wright Quotes On Success

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for starring, writing and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15). May these Steven Wright Quotes On Success inspire you to take action so that you may live your dreams.

1. “Half the people you know are below average.” Steven Wright

2. “I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.” Steven Wright

3. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” Steven Wright

4. “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.” Steven Wright

5. “Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?” Steven Wright

6. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?” Steven Wright

7. “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.” Steven Wright

8. “Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” Steven Wright

9. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” Steven Wright

10. “How do you get off a non-stop flight?” Steven Wright

11. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” Steven Wright

12. “I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” Steven Wright

13. “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.” Steven Wright

14. “When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” Steven Wright

15. “Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.” Steven Wright

16. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” Steven Wright

17. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” Steven Wright

18. “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually.” Steven Wright

19. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” Steven Wright

20. “Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.” Steven Wright

21. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?” Steven Wright

22. “I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.” Steven Wright

23. “If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?” Steven Wright

24. “Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.” Steven Wright

25. “If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?” Steven Wright

26. “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.” Steven Wright

27. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” Steven Wright

28. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” Steven Wright

29. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” Steven Wright

30. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?” Steven Wright

31. “If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?” Steven Wright

32. “I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.” Steven Wright

33. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” Steven Wright

34. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” Steven Wright

35. “How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?” Steven Wright

I hope you enjoyed these Steven Wright Quotes On Success. Do let us know which one was your favorite in the comments section below.

Check Out Steve Wright ; The Suffolk Strangler (Documentary):

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